Columbus Day

Columbus Day: Christopher Columbus. Here’s an interesting cat that history has defined in more ways than perhaps any other “famous” household name. Brave explorer, blundering fool, imperialist pig, ruthless oppressor – all well-earned descriptions.

Though evidence exists that tobacco was used in various ways thousands of years before Columbus stumbled across it in Cuba in 1492, he’s credited with discovering the method of production that created what we know today as “cigars.” For this, WiseAshes everywhere rejoice.

Of course, Columbus and his crew are also credited with bringing syphilis back to Europe, which was blamed for about 5 MILLION deaths in the 16th century. And there’s that little thing where he liked to claim the natives living peacefully in the Caribbean as property of Spain. His brutal cruelty toward the Taino tribe in Hispaniola led to what many historians refer to as genocide. He rounded up hundreds and shipped them back to Europe to be sold as slaves. For the rest, he cut off their hands if they didn’t answer his demands for gold; if they ran, Columbus’ men systematically hunted them down and killed them. It got so bad that the Taino began killing their own children to spare them from the Spaniards.

But I digress. Perhaps Columbus’ behavior is why we can’t seem to decide in this country if Columbus Day is a real holiday or not. The pansies at the bank and post office get the day off while the rest of us work away. Given his evil side, I choose to celebrate this day as “Cigar Day,” rather than honor the man himself.